Sex secretsWhat do women really want from us in bed? We explode five myths...
MYTH 1: If you rub it long enough, it will happenHow many times have you been told that the only way to please a woman is to touch her in one special place? This belief really took hold in the Sixties, when a new crop of sex researchers, led by Masters and Johnson, picked up on earlier studies by Kinsey and others. The investigators reached what seemed at the time to be the very pinnacle of sexual knowledge: that a woman's orgasm was solely the function of that little bundle of flesh and nerve-endings called the clitoris. And since it was located on the outside of the vagina, they reasoned that sexual intercourse - a hugely popular form of mating that had served quite well until this point - was no longer an important part of the female orgasmic experience. End of discussion: one-eyed trouser snake not necessary, thank you very much.
Then the Seventies ushered in something even worse than white polyester suits: a crop of feminist thinkers who seized on this research as a way to make men sexually obsolete and who said, essentially, women don't need you, all they need is a R150-plastic vibrator. And that's what you've been hearing ever since. That may make you feel bad. It may make your partner feel even worse. Because if you focus all your efforts on the clitoris, you'll miss one of the most erogenously charged areas of a woman's body - the vagina, stupid. "Vaginal sensitivity is an anatomical reality," says sexologist John Perry, co-author of The G Spot. Although there may not always be a distinct, raised G-spot, the upper wall of the vagina (closest to her abdomen) is generously endowed with sensation receptors that can play a major role in the female orgasm.
The key is in reaching them. Two factors are involved in making sure this pleasure zone gets maximum stimulation. The first is the tone of the muscles surrounding the sex organs of both you and your partner. The second is your technique, and here's where you can start trying something new tonight.
Think of a spoon inserted into a glass jar. For the end of the spoon to touch one side of the glass, it's got to be angled just right. As do you when you're inside your partner. Here are three ways you can customise the standard missionary position to help you hit the mark:
# Have your partner elevate her legs.
# Place a pillow under the small of her back.
# Put your hands underneath her hips and lift her whole pelvic area into the air. (If you find this difficult, try it with her lying on the bed, bum at the edge and you standing.) "All of these manoeuvres can help push the upper wall down on to the penis, and so maximise her (and your) pleasure," explains Perry. For most women the area of greatest sensitivity is on the upper wall, but for others it's closer to the opening, or deeper in, so finding it takes trial and error. But believe this: you'll know when you do.
One important tip: often when you bring a woman to orgasm this way, the result can be waves of muscular contractions that seem hell-bent on pushing you right out of the vagina. "With a vaginal orgasm, the top of the vagina will close down and the bottom will open up so that you have a pushing-out effect," says Alice Ladas, a leading sex therapist who co-wrote The G Spot with Perry.
When this happens, push back. What the women we spoke to really want as these muscles are contracting is for you to push in forcefully; they're feeling intense pleasure from the pressure of your penis on that upper wall, and they want more of a good thing.
MYTH 2: Size doesn't really matterPerhaps assuming that the fragile male ego can't handle the truth, diminutive TV personality Dr Ruth and others of her ilk have popularised the notion that size doesn't matter. Truth is, it does - but not in the way that you may think. Basically, if an erect penis measures about 12.7 centimetres from base to tip (give yourself the benefit of the doubt and take the measure from the underside for a couple of centimetres or so), it's considered average. And this is one case where average is very good indeed.
"There are many women who express a preference for an average-size penis," says urologist Dr Irwin Goldstein. "Their preferences are usually a blend of taste, aesthetics, habit, comfort, pressure and pleasure." Another thing: women vary in size too. Some have longer vaginas, some shorter. So if you pride yourself on your exceptional length but the woman in your life is shorter than average, you might be missing her sexual mark.
That raises two questions: how do you tell if you're a perfect fit? And what can you do if you're not? Think back to the last couple of times you made love and try to remember if you felt the tip of your penis bump into something at the maximum thrust point. If it did then you probably hit her cervix (or the diaphragm covering her cervix) and you're long enough to hit the hot-spots. If you hit it so hard she complained, you're probably a little on the long side.
That takes some adjusting. In this situation, "the missionary position works best because that's where you tend to get the least depth of penetration", says sex therapist Barbara Keesling, author of The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex. You might also want to try woman-on-top positions where your partner is facing you: she can minimise length while maximising upper-wall stimulation. On the other hand, if you have never felt some type of resistance when thrusting, you may be a little on the short side for her anatomy. No problem. If you're using the missionary position, have her elevate her legs and bring them towards her chest. This shortens the vaginal canal. "If you're kneeling in front of her," advises Keesling, "try to get your pelvis as close to hers as possible." This position maximises your length.
MYTH 3: Men aren't romanticThis myth is based on the assumption - generated, ironically, by feminists themselves - that women are different in some strange, undefinable way and need to be approached warily. The happy truth is, they aren't and they don't. "I don't think women are at heart very different from men sexually," says author of The New Victorians, Rene Denfeld. "Like men, we often want crass, crude, healthy, exuberant sex." From our own anecdotal interviews with women, we found them to have an overwhelming desire to be, well, ravished by their partners. Yet men are still being chastised by a feminist minority into thinking that no woman wants to be swept off her feet and taken from time to time.
"There's a belief out there that male sexuality is brutal, harmful and aggressive," says Katie Roiphe, author of The Morning After: Sex, Fear and Feminism. "But I think that sex should be spontaneous and instinctual. And, yes, of course that's going to involve men as well as women acting in ways that could be perceived as aggressive."
"The prospect of a man asking, ‘Shall I do this, dear?' or ‘Was that good, dear?' may appeal to some, but there's no evidence to indicate that this is what most women prefer," says Christina Hoff Sommers, author of Who Stole Feminism: How Women Have Betrayed Women. It needs to be added, though, that there's a huge difference between natural take-charge behaviour and unwanted advances. Sometimes the timing just isn't right. Since you can't read her mind, develop an understanding with your partner that a gesture or a phrase means ‘slow down'.
MYTH 4: Foreplay has to take foreverOne thing on which many women we talked to agreed: they sometimes miss the quickie. The sudden surprise of an unexpected bout of sex, standing up or in an unusual place, is just as stimulating for women as for men.
"Guys have told me that they're trying to be sensitive and stay in touch with their partner's needs and that they thought the quickie was forbidden," says marriage counsellor and author of Hot Monogamy, Patricia Love. "It's important to know that women absolutely want quickies, too."
Here's another shocker: as men and women reach their thirties, their need for, and desire for, foreplay changes. "When we asked men aged 35 and over what the best part of sex was, surprisingly, the majority answered foreplay," says biology professor David Quadagno. "But when we asked women of the same age, their response was intercourse." That's partly because men, as they age, require more stimulation to achieve and maintain an erection. But it also busts yet another myth about women's sexuality - and opens up some opportunities to add excitement to your sex life. When the pressures of modern living start to close down the window of sexual opportunity, try experimenting with the occasional impulsive quickie, suggests Love.
Having sex doesn't have to be a timed, scheduled event. "I know of one couple with teenage children who have made up for their lack of privacy by having quickies in the bathroom," she adds. "They turn on the shower and overhead fan to disguise any noises and have a quick lovemaking session with no one the wiser."
By the way, when it comes to figuring out how much foreplay is enough, some of the standard guidelines men use are off the mark, according to Keesling. For example, lubrication, or lack thereof, doesn't necessarily indicate readiness (especially in women approaching menopause, whose bodies have trouble creating proper lubrication). How to tell? Listen closely. "One of the best clues to a woman's level of arousal is her breathing," says Keesling. When she's approaching orgasm, she'll probably start to breathe hot and heavy, but at an early stage of the game, you want to listen for heavy, slow breathing. A transition from normal breathing to a deep, relaxed pattern should indicate that she's ready for actual intercourse.
MYTH 5: Women share their feelings; men hide themEvery guy has one ‘Girlfriend from Talk Hell' in his romantic past, the woman whose only topic of conversation seemed to be the relationship. Women's magazines cater to this mindset, with a constant barrage of articles on getting men to talk about feelings. The assumption, of course, is that women don't have any problem telling men how they feel. Truth is, when it comes to sex, women may be even more inhibited about sharing their feelings than men are. One recent survey found that 57 percent of male respondents said they shared their sexual desires with their partners. Yet less than half of the women polled said they told the men in their lives what they wanted sexually.
"I think more men than women talk to their partners about sexual desires," says Love. "There may still be some of the old ‘good girls don't' messages keeping us from being free about expressing what we want in front of our partners." Women can and do talk explicitly about their desires - just not necessarily with you. "If guys heard everything we discussed, they would squirm, stop feeling flattered that we spend so much time delving into their psyches, and run for the hills," writes journalist Anka Radakovich, author of The Wild Girls Club: Tales from Below the Belt, which chronicles the exploits of an assortment of women who meet annually and dish the dirt on men and sex.
Sounds intriguing, but the question is, how do you get into the conversation? How can you get your partner to share these thoughts with you? The answer is simple: ask some questions. Start by sharing some of your own thoughts and fantasies; there's nothing like expressing raw vulnerability to get someone else to open up. You're likely to find some exciting new aspects to your partner if you're simply willing to talk to her about her fantasies and what she wants in bed
